Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Don't Call Me Late For Dinner

I can still remember the time I heard Mom's dinner bell ringing in the distance as I kissed a frog hoping it would turn into Caroline Ingalls, my childhood crush.

                                                 Image result for caroline ingalls little house on the prairie
(What a class act!)
My wild imagination always did get the best of me, and Mom knew it, she also knew that of all the things I loved in the world, dinner was the thing I loved the most. So whenever I was even a little late for dinner Mom would send me to bed without it. This was probably the most effective law Mom made, I was never late for dinner again and that's why I blame my Mom for my habit of over eating.

You see, because Mom made such an extreme punishment for being late, it caused me to hold dinner in such high regards that come five o'clock I could think of nothing else but Moms sweet microwaved, dinosaur chicken nuggets,
and that's why now that I'm a grown man I start salivating every evening at five o'clock.

Isn't it funny how these things work? One day you're a little boy fantasizing about Caroline Ingalls, and the next your a 250 pound, 5 ft 2 man living in you're Moms basement.

Sometimes I ask myself "How did I get here?" and then I realize I never left, I'm still that scared, plump little boy hoping he won't be late for dinner, but maybe, just maybe the hero I know I have inside of me will rear its beautiful head.
Image result for jack black nacho libre fat

"Back off Georgie, you pervert!"

Georgie Porgie pudd'n pie, kissed the girls and made them cry, but when the boys came out to play Georgie Porgie ran away
"Back off Georgie, you pervert!"

What is up with some guys these days? Thinking it's okay to kiss girls without asking? I always ask girls "Can I kiss you" as I give them a real sexy look...

Image result for creepy guy
Image result for creepy guy

So far I haven't had any takers, but what can I say? I'm waiting for "The One".

And I think you guys could take a lesson or two from your one and only Mr. Miyagi of love.

Ladies want a real man. Maybe you think being all tough with her will make her think that you are a real man, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

Sure your bad-boy attitude might intrigue her for a little while but a real man doesn't have to show off his masculinity, he doesn't have to treat her like dirt to get some... kisses, and sooner or later she's gonna figure that out and come running to me.

So if you want to keep you're girl then I suggest you start treating her with a little more care and respect.

 Image result for jocks getting slapped

~Mr. Miyagi Of Love

"True Love's Kiss" Fact or Fiction?

Is "true loves kiss" real? If you had asked me ten years ago, my naive self would have said "yes!" 
but I've gotten older and much, much wizzer, and  in all my years I've never experienced "True loves kiss"(Or any kiss for that matter, not even from my mother).

But of coarse I can not only go by that, so we have to look at the facts.
  • Most people are bad at kissing (Not me though)
  • Movies and TV shows try to trick you into thinking that if you're good looking you will find true love immediately (not true, I'm still single)
  • Guys just want to think that they're princess will find them and they'll ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after 
  • Girls just treat me like a piece of meat (and act like they're vegan) 
 I believe in true love and I believe in kissing, but I don't think it's actually magical.
Okay don't be mad at me and say I'm just being a "pessimist" I'm actually a very optimistic person. I'm just having a hard time believing in "magic".

I've wasted so much time trying to find Hogwarts and trying to make my boss disappear and its gotten me nowhere. 

I mean you really want me to believe that Rapunzel's tear drop saved Flynn?!?!

Any historian can tell you, Flynn was not saved by one "magical" tear drop!

And don't get me started on Brave! You mean to tell me that Merrida's mother actually turned into a BEAR?!?!

Image result for merida and bear

She obviously hit her head when the horse threw her and imagined the whole thing. 

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I believe in a kiss between to people who are in love, as in I believe it can happen, But I don't believe in a kiss that can save someone from death or from some evil curse.

We need to stop putting this stuff into our children's heads.

 I mean what's going to happen when one day your child grows up and their husband or wife is choking to death on a pork rind and they think kissing them on the lips will save them?

Where does it end people?!

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Matters Of The Heart

"I used to a simple boy that believed in simple love, nothing more than butterflies and such sweet lovey dove"

I'm not going to pretend that I've had a lot of experience with love but, I've definitely watched enough movies to know that it always works out in the end.

Sometimes I think I will never find the one I am destined to be with but then I think of all those other guys, Noah Calhoun (The Notebook), Jay Gatsby (The Great Gatsby), and they affirm what I already knew to be true, that everyone will find true love eventually if they never get over their first love and indulge in a massive obsession over them for years, never giving up.

There are so many inspiring men in movies, such as Edward Colon (Twilight) who was a whopping 200 years old and STILL had the gumption to go after the prettiest girl in the bowling shirt, not once thinking "Gee she's way out of my league, (Bowling league, get it?) she'd never go for me!" 

I guess I just have to be more like Edward Colon.

But I also often wonder if I missed my chance without even knowing it. What a terrifying thought! 
Like sometimes I'm like, "Should I sneak into to the ladies Zumba class?" And then I'm like, "Nah..." But then I think, "What if the perfect woman for me was in that Zumba class and I missed her?"
(Comment if that ever happens to you)

But I guess it's like my mom always said "Stop stalking girls on Facebook and make me my TV dinner!" 
What an Inspirational woman, that Mom.

Anyway, If you're feeling down in the dumps just remember, there's always someone desperate enough to take you.

Meandering Through Scientology

     What is Scientology? No really! I have no idea what the heck it is! I see it on all the magazines. Is it a club? Is it a cult? The world may never know. 


I never thought of myself as an academic and science was one of my worst subjects in school, does that make me ineligible for Scientology? Is this Boy Scouts all over again? 

"Sigh" There I go again with my deep seeded insecurities, I apologize.

It's just that I never felt included by the people around me. My brother, my sisters, my "friends", my mom, no one wanted me in their clubs or their groups or their parties. It wasn't like they told me "We don't wan't you in our birthing class"  But I could just feel it, ya know?

And that's why I believe that it's clubs like Scientology, that are exclusive and private, that are causing such heartbreaking insecurities in our children today.

I'm not saying it's bad, heck, I don't even know what it is! But we need to start making all clubs, cults and so called "secret societies" open to the public so that no little boy or girl, woman or man, duck or chicken, dog or skunk, man or beast feels left out.

And that's all I have to say about Scientology.